finding myself

sometimes i juss wanna get away from all this-this town, this skool, everything. i juss wanna throw on sum skinnies and gladiators and a cardi and grab a Nikon camera and a mini camcorder and hop on a bike and juss jet. somewhere where i could be alone and juss take pictures...make documentaries...u kno? Or hop on the train into Penn Station and juss explore the city by myself. go to the park and alll around- harlem, upper east side...everywhere. go to an quiet island and explore... juss like to find myself....find who i really am...

i'm really gonna have to do that one of these days...i mean im 17 and idk what i wanna do with my life anymore... i need some time to myself without anyone telling me what to do...where to go...totally unsheltered or biased...juss what i want to do, when i want to do it.

...one of these days man.... lol

Haiti Earthquake :(

its horrible just horrible.... why these poor people must keep being devasted like this. what have they done? i juss don't understand the way things work sometimes. here i am thinking i was juss having a bad day but now im like i need to stop this shit bc there are people who dont have homes right now....who are injured buried under rubble and im here thinking my life is fucked right now. i feel like i need to do something to help...anything....ANYTHING...bc this is so unimaginable to me. i feel like nothing in my life here is important right now....like its so small to this thing thats happening in Haiti. my friend can't get contact with her relatives down there...no one knows whats going on....how does tht feel? i can't and i dont even want to imagine it right now. im not haitian but i feel so much for them right now. i juss remember how i went to the labor day parade last year and how they were crowding the WHOLE STREET waving their flags around in the air , taking pride in their country....so united! i felt like i was a part of that-even if it was for a few minutes and i didnt understand what they were saying! but for now i'm juss trying to find a way to help in any way i can...and i think i found a way.
my girl and her friend are trying to resurrect the Human Rights Club at our skool tht has been on a 5 yr hiatus and they want to send things or raise $$ for relief so i think thats a good start :)

*snip snip* out the fakes

,
recently i've seen a change in one of my friends that i realized back in early decemeber. whenever she was with the boy who is like her "bestie" i guess she wouldn't talk to me or act like we weren't there or give us looks like that sideways " yeaaa i dont really like you" look. like we used to be mad close last yr and over the summer and now its like she walks away from me when we r in a group or goes to a different group all together. and today i when we were in the commons ( me n tha congregation) she n one of my friends and her "bestie" walked by and i saw them give me that looks again on the low and while they stopped next to us he kept walking and turned around with that look again.
NOW i dont know wtf her problem is or whuts going on b/c sometimes she acts like my friend..ie wishing me happy birthday, texting, joking n shxt and OTHER times she acts like this distant skank bitch. i've been distancing myself from her now too juss to see wat she would do...but it doesn't seem like she cares that much...im guessing she was never really my friend thn? it's kinda irking me now b/c i told her mad stuff thinking she was my friend and she probably went and told it all to her "bestie." i really don't know what to do with this situation except to forget about her all together.
srry this post is so long but its juss been pissing me off for a long time now how someone can be so two-faced and flip flop between you. and its not like i did anything to her for her not to like me...cuz i considered her my "friend" and idk about you but i treat my "friends" with kindness and respect. so if she wanna go go do this shxt i def have no time for it....its 2010 so im juss gonna cut her loose and keep it movin'...i don't need anyone standing in the way of making this a good year.

2010!

i can honestly say life is good right now :) ...except the fact that 17 feels so freakin old lol. Thats what happens when you have an early birthday, i guess. But this year is gonna be filled with big things...in the spring im going to go look at colleges (scary!) and i have to take the SAT. Its scary to know that in a year ill be 18..WHOOOAAA SONNN. now i gotta buckle down on that skool stuff and volunteering and all that shxt colleges look for. but im ready for it b/c (in drake voice)"i juss wanna be successful."